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Title: | An irradiated primate's satirical views on politics
Description:An irradiated primate's satirical views on politics
| An irradiated primate #039;s satirical views on politics
An irradiated primate #039;s satirical views on politics
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Main Monkey
President Obama addresses conflicted policy on terrorism
Posted by atomicmonkey in
Global Humor, National Politics, Political Satire
and tagged with Charile Hebdo, Islamist Terrosits, Obama, Paris
January 12, 2015
President Barack Obama has vigorously denied any overt sympathy for Muslims.
鈥淭he heinous attacks in Paris are yet one more reminder of the awful spectre of workplace violence and the obscene proliferation of assault weapons.鈥 said the president at today press conference.
When questioned by the media, the president refused to acknowledge any connection to the attackers being Islamic radicals or terrorists.
鈥淚slam is the religion of peace, Muslims could not possibly be involved!鈥 remarked the president. 鈥淚 find your wild insinuations to be cavalier and racist.鈥
鈥淭his was an isolated incident perpetrated by disgruntled job seekers, who just happened to be from an immigrant community,鈥 said Obama. 鈥淭hey probably got access to their military-grade weapons through U.S. mail order gun operation Cheaper Than Dirt 鈥 we are also investigating their possible membership in聽the NRA and recent phone calls placed to Mossad as we speak.鈥
Obama went on to criticize the lack of opportunities for immigrants in western countries and vowed to open the U.S. borders as a gateway and standard for acceptance and multiculturalism.
鈥淎merica has a proud history of assimilating immigrants from all over the world,鈥 asserted the President. 鈥淣ow, it鈥檚 America鈥檚 turn to be assimilated! If it鈥檚 Allah鈥檚 will.鈥
A spokesman from Al Qaeda in Yemen issued the following response to the president鈥檚 statement.
鈥淲hile we appreciate your president鈥檚 continued support we do feel a little slighted by his recent remarks.鈥 Said Mahmud Ghoughtmollestir. 鈥淲e planned this whole attack and activated our sleeper cell, and we deserve the credit.鈥
鈥淲e are also getting really tired of the new U.S. Government reports that the attack on 9/11 was really an accident by student pilots, and that Osama was actually killed cleaning his own unregistered firearm (also purchased at Cheaper Than Dirt) #8230;.I mean鈥.really?鈥
鈥淭his is no secret that we are Islamist fundamentalists hell-bent on world conquest, and everybody knows it,鈥 added Ghoughtmollestir. 鈥淲hat part of 鈥榢ill all the infidels,鈥 and 鈥榞et your 72 virgins here鈥 does Obama not understand?鈥
鈥淚 appreciate his trying to keep up the front and cover for us鈥ut the cow has left the barn鈥pparently President Obama did not get the memo.鈥
Recent renovations to the U.S. Capitol building have left many Beltway observers scratching their heads.
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Posted by atomicmonkey
January 9, 2015
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Aaron Johanson begins 2015 by shedding his skin and slithering across the aisle
Posted by atomicmonkey in
January 2, 2015
Rep. Johanson goes from Republican leader to Democrat functionary overnight without missing a beat.
Former Republican Party Minority House Leader, Aaron Johanson, has started the new year by officially jumping parties. By renouncing his Republican Party Leadership post and ignoring his district鈥檚 voters in the 2014 election, Mr. Johanson has sworn allegiance to the liberal branch of the Hawaii Democrat Party.
This startling 180 degree reversal in Johanson鈥檚 presumed principles has left some Hawaii political observers scratching their heads and Republican officials somewhat miffed.
鈥淟et me put this into simple terms,鈥 said one GOP official. 鈥淎aron is a sniveling, self-serving rat.鈥
Johanson whined that he was not appreciated and that conservative factions within the party were trying to force him to adhere to a 鈥減urer ideology.鈥
But, according to House Rep. Bob McDermott, 鈥淲e were just asking him to act less like a liberal Democrat and take his nose out of Joe Souki鈥檚 behind.鈥 鈥淎t least come out for air on occasion,鈥 added McDermott.
Souki attended a press conference and graciously intervened when Rep. Scott Saiki insisted on placing Johanson鈥檚 head on a spike on the Iolani Palace fence. 鈥淗e has always been one of us,鈥 said Speaker Souki in a remark directed to Rep. Saiki, in an apparent confirmation of the rumor that Johanson was a double agent sent to further disrupt the remnants of the Hawaii GOP.
Johanson鈥檚 ally and fellow stealth Democrat, Cynthia Thielen, decried the 鈥淭ea Party element鈥 within the minority caucus who insist on acting like Republicans 鈥渁t least every once and while.鈥
According to Thielen, 鈥淗awaii Republicans must abandon their outdated principles and begin serving their Democrat masters, or risk total extinction.鈥
鈥淚t鈥檚 just the way it is around here, there鈥檚 a new order鈥 said Thielen, 鈥淚t really doesn鈥檛 matter anymore what you call yourself 鈥 just look at my voting record.鈥
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North Korean dictator issues international ban on American movie
Posted by atomicmonkey in
December 19, 2014
鈥淭he film falsely made me look like some kind of unstable maniacal idiot,鈥 fumed the disgruntled supreme leader
North Korea鈥檚 Kim Jong Un has placed the dreaded FU rating on Sony鈥檚 latest release The Interview causing the studio to recall the film and issue arrest warrants for it鈥檚 stars Seth Rogan and James Franco. As a result of the unusually harsh rating (FU 鈥 not suitable for anyone under any circumstances), the North Korean Film Review Board also issued orders for all of Sony鈥檚 private files to be immediately released to the public. The released documents featured catty email about stars and other highly classified material.
According to Cyber-Security Chief Wang (shown on left), North Korea has the most sophisticated IT infrastructure on the planet
Chief Cyber-Security Specialist 聽Suk Mi Wang was personally assigned to oversee the acquisition and dispersal of Sony鈥檚 files. Mi Fuk Yu, previous Head Hacker of Bureau聽121, North Korea鈥檚 Internet Police, was unceremoniously fired, and summarily executed last June, when his department failed to police unflattering tweets of Dear Brother in a timely matter.
North Korea鈥檚 Kim Jong Un takes policing the world wide web to be serious business. 鈥淣ot only did the film attempt to make a fool out of me,鈥 raged Un, 鈥淚t even showed me being blown up!鈥 鈥淗ow can you make an immortal supreme being blow up!鈥
鈥淲e鈥檒l see if Mr. Rogan and Mr. Franco find MY new movie, American Idiots Torn Apart by Starving Dogs, to be equally humorous,鈥 added the miffed Supreme Commander. 鈥淥nly we won鈥檛 be using CGI or stunt doubles!鈥
The entire Internet will be shut down if clips showing a fake Kim Jong Un being blown up are not removed immediately.
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What we learned from Ferguson
Posted by atomicmonkey in
November 26, 2014
Michael Brown as he was portrayed by the media
As he actually was鈥 6鈥4鈥, 300 lb. hulking behemoth.
鈥淚n yet another startling example of police oppression of the black community, little Michael Brown鈥檚 life was snuffed out by a racist cop,鈥 spouted Rev. Jackson.
鈥淭his innocent little child was cold-bloodedly executed in the street by a police officer, who, according to witnesses, actually took the time to change into a Klan robe before he delivered to the fatal coupe de grace.鈥
According to other witnesses, the surprisingly fast (for a white dude) policeman sprinted ahead of the terrified boy, who was running away with his hands up screaming, 鈥減lease don鈥檛 shoot, me suhhh.鈥 The Officer overtook the youth and then turned and fired his weapon in an attempt to make it appear the child was running toward him. He then stood over the wounded and whimpering little boy while repeatedly shooting him at 15-second intervals, pausing only to yell, 鈥淗ow do like me now?鈥 between shots.
Jackson continued, 鈥淭his innocent little toddler was denied his right to due process, for allegedly 鈥渒illing a policeman.鈥 In fact, he was not even allowed to finish killing聽anybody. He was judged, tired and executed before he could even perform the crime, so how could he possibly be guilty?鈥
Rev. Sharpton has provided proof that Michael Brown鈥檚 alleged 鈥渞obbery鈥 video was faked.
鈥淲e are asked to believe that this little boy was a suspect in a strong-arm robbery? But the surveillance video that was released is clearly a fake,鈥 asserted Sharpton.
Rev. Sharpton then produced startling evidence, 鈥淲e have acquired information from the actual animators forced to create the CGI and special effects that were hurriedly produced to show little 鈥淢ikey鈥 attacking the storeowner and stealing cigars.鈥
鈥淲hat would a small child want with cigars!鈥 scoffed Sharpton.
鈥淲hile the Brown child did stop at that convenience store the un-doctored video shows him skipping around with a large lollipop, paying for it with pennies and being patted on the head by Mr. Babu.鈥
鈥淥bviously, the police will stop at nothing to frame innocent young blacks and cover their own behinds,鈥 concluded Sharpton. #8220;Not since the聽Tawana Brawley case has our grand jury system failed us so dramatically. #8221;
Citizens were denied their constitutional rights of free speech, arson, looting and running around like dumb-asses with their pants around their knees.
鈥淎s the Attorney General of the United States [yes, he鈥檚 still there] I promise to thoroughly and impartially investigate this obvious case of police brutality and violation of civil rights,鈥 announced Holder.
鈥淣ot just for the brutal execution of little, defenseless Michael Brown, but for the intolerable violation of civil rights perpetrated on the peaceful protesters after the announcement of the Grand Jury decision. The decision was deliberatley withheld until well after dark so as to inconvenience the citizens gathered to express their constitutionally protected right to assemble and protest. They were forced to light fires just to be able to see, and keep warm in the cold of the night. When restrooms and refreshments were not provided by the racist authorities, local storeowners graciously threw open their doors (and windows) and allowed the citizens to use their facilities and acquire beverages.鈥
Holder continued, 鈥淚 have discussed the handling of this incident with President Obama and Professor Gruber, and we all agreed that in the future the grand jury process should be replaced by executive authorization for arrests and prosecution. It #8217;s not just about #8220;justice, #8221; added Holder, #8220;what #8217;s more important is delivering the illusion聽of justice to specific voter blocks. #8221;
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President Obama decrees bold new immigration policy
Posted by atomicmonkey in
National Politics, Political Satire
and tagged with Barack Obama, imigration
November 20, 2014
Obama refused to answer questions at today #8217;s press conference, and made funny faces when pressed by reporters.
Today President Obama issued executive orders granting full citizenship to聽all illegal aliens who apply for Democrat Party membership within 90 days. #8220;The proud history of our country is to welcome new immigrants and integrate them into our society, #8221; said the President. #8220;Only in America can a destitute, non-english-speaking child become a Democrat precinct聽captain in only a few days! #8221; Many voiced their concerns about the President #8217;s unilateral actions, and suggested that he has exceeded聽his executive authority, and is simply throwing out all immigration law in order to build up the Democratic Party and make up for the failed mid-term elections.
These children were rescued by Obama administration officials at the Laredo border where they were being denied entry to the country, Today they are productive new citizens and proud Democrats working as community organizers in Los Angeles.
#8220;I find these accusations racist and absurd, #8221; responded the President. #8220;I will immediately instruct Johnathan Gruber to write a bit for the Daily Show to ridicule the Republicans and other nay-sayers and mock them into submission. #8221; President Obama then unveiled advertisements being produced to promote his new immigration policy to illegal immigrants.
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Johnathon Gruber unapologetic for insulting Americans
Posted by atomicmonkey in
National Politics, Political Satire
and tagged with Johnathan Gruber, Nancy Pelosi
November 15, 2014
Obama #8217;s MIT consultant, Johnathan Gruber, continues to expose institutional contempt.
Since presidential advisor, MIT professor Johnathon Gruber, went public with his distain for 鈥渟tupid American voters,鈥 some in the media have become dimly curious. Gruber, one of the architects of the failed 鈥淥bamacare鈥 health care fiasco, was inadvertently forthcoming about how the public is manipulated and lied to in order to promote the administration鈥檚 agenda.
鈥淭ake global warming (aka climate change) for example,鈥 blurted Gruber, 鈥渢hat鈥檚 a complete crock and everybody knows it, but the general public still eat鈥檚 it up with a spoon.鈥
鈥淗eck, a few years ago we got caught red-handed making up the data on global warming!鈥 said Gruber. 鈥淏ut, it only took our embedded operatives in the media a couple of months to 鈥榗lean it up,鈥 and now it鈥檚 like it never happened.鈥
鈥淭hat鈥檚 why I鈥檓 fine with telling the truth about how incredibly stupid the American voter is and just how much the administration despises them鈥n a couple of weeks they will have forgotten all about it.鈥
Gruber admitted that humans have little if anything to do with planetary climate, but if made to feel guilty enough for 鈥榟arming the planet,鈥 they鈥檒l allow government to 鈥渄o whatever we want.鈥
鈥淲e could have called it Bloviational Climate-Malfeasance and the dumb-asses would have still bought it,鈥 confided a smug Gruber.
#8220;Who鈥檚 Johnathon Gruber? 聽Never heard of him, #8221; lied Nancy Pelosi in a statement Gruber prepared for her.
The bottom line according to Gruber is that the endless expansion of government control and imposition of more taxes aren鈥檛 too popular with the 鈥減roles,鈥 so we need to 鈥渄ress it up with fake issues like climate change and free healthcare.鈥
鈥淚t鈥檚 still just more taxes and more government power, but the dimwit voters won鈥檛 figure it out in time to save themselves,鈥 chortled Gruber.
Asked about why he declined the new cabinet-level position with the newly formed Ministry of Public Enlightenment and Propaganda in the Obama administration, Gruber said, 鈥淗ey, I make more money writing part-time for the Daily Show!鈥
鈥淣ow if you will excuse me I have a lot of work to do with immigration reform,鈥 concluded Gruber.
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President Obama returns from Asia visit
Posted by atomicmonkey in
November 15, 2014
China #8217;s Xi Jinping receives the U.S. President in a formal ceremony in Beijing.
The highlight of President Obama #8217;s recent visit to Asia was his unilateral acceptance of聽total responsibility for destroying the planet earth. 聽Obama stated that it there is no doubt that the United States is totally responsible for any future changes in the climate of the planet. 聽Specifically, he laid blame on the decadent lifestyles of his #8220;capitalist pig countryman. #8221; He pointed out that the ultimate #8220;greenhouse gas #8221; is methane generated by cow flatulence聽exacerbated by GMO corn and the聽widespread demand for beef-like material served by popular fast food chains like Burger King and McDonalds. 聽He promised to do his best to continue the #8220;change #8221; he promised with his election to convert the United States of America into a third-world muslim caliphate with with only goats.
Xi Jinping responded to the U.S. President, #8220;For God #8217;s sake, Barack, get off the floor and pull yourself together鈥ou owe us a lot of money and this bullshit isn #8217;t paying the bills. #8221;
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Anything happen while I was away?
Posted by atomicmonkey in
November 6, 2014
Primary Debacle
Neil took Hawaii voters for a ride, but got stiffed.
In the most surprising turn of events, incumbent Governor Neil Abercrombie had his hiney handed to him by State Senator David Ige in the Democrat primary. Part of Abercrombie鈥檚 ill-fated $5 million media onslaught featured an overproduced commercial with Neil driving his signature Checker cab while two local looking dames prattled on about his many accomplishments that passed聽by the window. Unfortunately, the most memorable part of the commercial was that it was discovered to have been shot in Miami and the accomplishments were special effects. The Main Event #8211; Governors race
Hawaii got a large dose of mainland vitriol #8211; this is what actual negative advertising looks like.
Hawaii #8217;s first three-way in years. A staggering $4 million in mainland PAC money was injected, almost exclusively for nasty, negative direct mail and television commercials. By comparison the Independent candidate, Mufi Hannemann, ran an upbeat and positive campaign, addressed the issues, won all the debates and forums and of course came in third.聽A聽lasting monument to the wisdom of Hawaii鈥檚 voters 鈥 or at least the 52% of them that managed to get off their asses. Brush Fires
Eric Ryan #8217;s聽 #8220;Save Ewa Beach #8221; micro PAC continues to howl at the moon.
HD 41 #8211; The most amusing cat fight of the season was with APEC star Tom Berg running as a Libertarian, Republican Bryan Jerimiah and HPU professor Matt Lopresti as the 鈥淒鈥 (who ousted Rida Cabanilla in the primary). The campaign included Dr. Lopresti handing out Jeremiah鈥檚 rap sheet door-to-door, and perennial Internet troll Eric Ryan offering his usual email poo blast.
Rose Martinez, the second coming of Rida Cabanilla, bites the dust.
HD40 鈥 In the neighboring house district Rep. Bob McDermott easily fended off ex Rida Cabanilla staffer Rose Martinez who managed to garner almost 2,000 votes from loyal Democrats. It would appear that the Dems don鈥檛 mind extensive campaign spending commission violations, including paying a fine with a rubber check and other pesky problems like not living in the district. A true Democrat. Elsewhere 鈥 Tom 鈥淭he Sledge of the Leg鈥 Brower retained his seat, Romy Cacholla ran uncontested in spite of his numerous visits to the Ethics Commission dog house. Rida Cabanilla was not so lucky. Her attempt to route a six-figure state grant to a bogus non-profit she runs was even too much for Ewa Beach. In conclusion, mostly Democrat incumbents got mostly re-elected and absolutely nothing will change.
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Who said that?
Posted by atomicmonkey in
November 6, 2014
See if you can match the quotes below with the correct speaker.
How well do you know your Yoda/Kermit/Ige trivia? Read these quotes out loud in your best Yoda/Kermit voice and then guess the author.
鈥淲on this election I did.鈥
鈥淎nd beware of advice from experts, pigs and members of Parliament.鈥
鈥淚 feel your pain.鈥
鈥淢udhole? Slimy? My home this is!鈥
鈥淚t鈥檚 not easy being Okinawan鈥
鈥淵ou must unlearn what you have learned.鈥
鈥淐ookie Monster has gone over to the dark side.鈥
鈥淲e were standing in the middle of a pig farm and it didn鈥檛 smell like a pig farm.鈥
鈥淟ife鈥檚 like a movie. Write your own ending,鈥
鈥淢ay the Union force be with you.鈥
1-B, 2-C, 3-B, 4-A (could also be C), 5-C, 6-A, 7-C, 8-B, 9-C, 10-A
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FACT amp; OPINION, BUT NO B.S.Atomic Monkey takes a humorous look at current events in both the Hawaii and national political scenes. The content of this blog represents the opinions of its editor and contributing artists and authors. It is presented for your amusement as harmless satire.
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